凍結 天然氣 火車

Isolates You from Friends and Family

Is Verbally Abusive

Blames Others for His or Her Problems

Alcohol and Drug Use

Instills Fear

Punishes You for Spending Time Away

Expects You to Wait on Him or Her Like a Servant

Is Extremely Jealous of You

Controls You Through His or Her Emotions

Gets Physical

Both Men and Women Can be Victims of Emotional Abuse.

Signs that You May Be Involved in an Abusive Relationship

Ten Signs that You May Be Involved in an Emotionally Abusive Relationship

Tue, February 17, 2009

When I was fifteen years old I met my first boyfriend. He was the class clown and had the ability to make anyone laugh. He was extroverted and charmed everyone who met him including me. What the world didn't get to see is that he was also emotionally abusive. I knew because I was the recipient of his abuse.

You would think that I would know better. I was bright, had plans for a future, and had heard plenty of stories about abuse from friends and family. But I also suffered from depression and low self esteem. And this combination made me an easy mark for becoming involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. What I thought was love on his part was really my boyfriend's attempts to control me. I didn't know what a good relationship was supposed to be like and didn't realize that I deserved better. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how smart you are, or even how old you are. Women of all ages, socio-economic backgrounds, and walks of life can find themselves a victim of abuse. In fact there are estimates that one in four women will experience an abusive relationship.

So how do you know the warning signs of an emotionally abusive relationship? A non-profit resource called the Help Guide provides a list of potential signs which may be found here.

I am going to elaborate on some of these warnings with my own experience to illustrate what sorts of behaviors to look for. And one major point I wish to make here is that if your boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse is emotionally abusive, then it might not be long before they become physically abusive. This is how abuse generally evolves. And this is exactly what happened to me in my earliest relationship. Here are some of the signs to look for:

1. Isolates you from friends and family: If someone truly cares for you, they understand that you have a life outside of them which includes friends and family. They want you to spend time with others because it is mentally healthy and good for you. The emotionally abusive spouse or significant other wants you all to themselves and will make efforts to do just that. My boyfriend didn't want me spending time with my family and he especially didn't want me hanging out with friends. He would insult my friends whenever they came over or would sulk if I spent any time with them. It became a situation where I had to sneak out to see friends. I began to feel like a criminal for doing normal things.

2. Is verbally abusive: If someone is calling you derogatory names and then says that they are just joking, this is no joke. They mean to hurt you and keep you in line. One way to get away with it is for the abuser to blame you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated. But abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem. I was called every swear word in the book and sadly came to expect it.

3. Blames others for his problems: Nothing is their fault. If he/she throws a tantrum to get his way, you provoked it. If he/she attacks you verbally, it was because of something you did. Everything has a reason and none of these reasons include them being responsible for themself.

4. Alcohol and drug use: All abusers do not use drugs or alcohol but a lot do. My boyfriend was addicted to drugs and his behavior was highly erratic because of it. I never knew what to expect from him from one day to the next because of his addiction.

5. Does things to instill fear: In addition to my boyfriend's involvement with drugs, he was also into collecting fire arms. He would show them to me and make it known that he wasn't afraid to use them. Once he became enraged with me and drove me to a bad part of town at night and told me to get out of the car. I stood there not knowing if he would come back. After about a half an hour of driving around and watching my fear he opened the car door and laughingly told me to get back in. If you feel fear around your significant other or spouse then there is something very wrong.

6. Punishes you for spending time away: This goes along with the isolation technique but should you actually go off and spend time away, he/she will make you pay for it. One day I went with my boyfriend to an amusement park and brought along my best female friend. He was not happy and let me know it. My friend stuck up for me when my boyfriend ordered me to ride only the rides he liked. She pretty much told him that she and I were going to ride something I liked. He sulked and was quiet the rest of the day but when my friend went home then he became enraged and wouldn't let me out of the car until he had called me every name in the book.

7. Expects you to wait on them like a servant: The abusive man or woman goes through life feeling entitled to be treated like a king. And he or she wants you as thier willing servant. I was holding down two jobs and going to college yet my boyfriend expected me to do everything for him and with no help. We didn't have a washer and dryer in our apartment so I had to go to the laundromat which was more than several blocks away. I took our clothes in a cart most people would use for groceries. Despite the fact that he had a car, he wouldn't drive me this short distance. And then, you guessed it, he would criticize the way I did his laundry.

8. Is extremely jealous of all aspects of your life: One of the major traits of someone who is abusive is their jealousy. This not only involves being jealous of other people, but being jealous of your dreams and aspirations. One day when I was studying for an exam for college, I told my boyfriend I didn't have time to wait on him. Infuriated, he grabbed my books and threw them out of our third floor window. It doesn't even have to be another person to provoke their jealousy. Your goals in life can fill an abuser with rage if it takes away their control over you.

9. Controls you through emotions: An abuser is a grand manipulator. They will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with their idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assertiveness of what is right for you. At times they will appear to be sorry and loving when you declare that you have had enough. You might see pleading and even tears as well as proclamations that they will change. This "remorse" doesn't last long though and when they feel secure that they have you back, the abuse begins again.

10. They get physical: If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is a good chance that eventually things may get physical. It may start off with things that you may brush off as not "really" being physical abuse like pulling your hair, pushing or shoving you, or grabbing you so hard that you bruise. These are the warning signs that things can easily escalate. If your boyfriend, girlfriend, or spouse has an explosive temper and you have seen them react with violence before, as in breaking things, punching holes in the wall, getting into altercations with others then it is only a matter of time before it is your body he is hitting.

In Part Two of this series I will discuss how to know when to leave such a situation and how to do it. Remember that you deserve to be treated with love and respect. If you are not being treated well then it is time to think of leaving this bad situation. I wrote this article so that other women will not have to go through what I did. It is your life. This is the only one you get. You are worthy of having a mentally healthy relationship with someone who does not try to control or demean you. Control is never a part of love.

If you have been in such an emotionally abusive relationship or are now in such a situation, please feel free to share your experience here. If it is more safe for you to share anonymously please do so. We want to hear your story. You could help someone else going through the same thing.

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence and Abuse

Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

Domestic Violence and Abuse: Types, Signs, Symptoms, Causes, and Effects

Domestic violence and abuse can happen to anyone, regardless of size, gender, or strength, yet the problem is often overlooked, excused, or denied. This is especially true when the abuse is psychological, rather than physical. Emotional abuse is often minimized, yet it can leave deep and lasting scars.

Noticing and acknowledging the warning signs and symptoms of domestic violence and abuse is the first step to ending it. No one should live in fear of the person they love. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in the following warning signs and descriptions of abuse, don’t hesitate to reach out. There is help available.

In This Article:

• Understanding domestic violence and abuse
• Signs of an abusive relationship
• Physical abuse and violence
• Emotional abuse
• Abusive behavior is a choice
• The cycle of violence
• Recognizing the warning signs
• Speak up if you suspect abuse
• Related articles & resources

Understanding domestic violence and abuse

Women don’t have to live in fear:

Domestic abuse, also known as spousal abuse, occurs when one person in an intimate relationship or marriage tries to dominate and control the other person. Domestic abuse that includes physical violence is called domestic violence.

Domestic violence and abuse are used for one purpose and one purpose only: to gain and maintain total control over you. An abuser doesn’t “play fair.” Abusers use fear, guilt, shame, and intimidation to wear you down and keep you under his or her thumb. Your abuser may also threaten you, hurt you, or hurt those around you.

Domestic violence and abuse does not discriminate. It happens among heterosexual couples and in same-sex partnerships. It occurs within all age ranges, ethnic backgrounds, and economic levels. And while women are more commonly victimized, men are also abused—especially verbally and emotionally, although sometimes even physically as well. The bottom line is that abusive behavior is never acceptable, whether it’s coming from a man, a woman, a teenager, or an older adult. You deserve to feel valued, respected, and safe. Recognizing abuse is the first step to getting help

Domestic abuse often escalates from threats and verbal abuse to violence. And while physical injury may be the most obvious danger, the emotional and psychological consequences of domestic abuse are also severe. Emotionally abusive relationships can destroy your self-worth, lead to anxiety and depression, and make you feel helpless and alone. No one should have to endure this kind of pain—and your first step to breaking free is recognizing that your situation is abusive. Once you acknowledge the reality of the abusive situation, then you can get the help you need.

Signs of an abusive relationship

There are many signs of an abusive relationship. The most telling sign is fear of your partner. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs that you may be in an abusive relationship include a partner who belittles you or tries to control you, and feelings of self-loathing, helplessness, and desperation.

To determine whether your relationship is abusive, answer the questions below. The more “yes” answers, the more likely it is that you’re in an abusive relationship.

SIGNS THAT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP

Do you:

• feel afraid of your partner much of the time?
• avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner?
• feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner?
• believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated?
• wonder if you’re the one who is crazy?
• feel emotionally numb or helpless?

Does your partner:

• humiliate or yell at you?
• criticize you and put you down?
• treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed for your friends or family to see?
• ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?
• blame you for their own abusive behavior?
• see you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Your Partner’s Violent Behavior or Threats Your Partner’s Controlling Behavior

Does your partner:

• have a bad and unpredictable temper?
• hurt you, or threaten to hurt or kill you?
• threaten to take your children away or harm them?
• threaten to commit suicide if you leave?
• force you to have sex?
• destroy your belongings?

Does your partner:

• act excessively jealous and possessive?
• control where you go or what you do?
• keep you from seeing your friends or family?
• limit your access to money, the phone, or the car?
• constantly check up on you?

Physical abuse and domestic violence

When people talk about domestic violence, they are often referring to the physical abuse of a spouse or intimate partner. Physical abuse is the use of physical force against someone in a way that injures or endangers that person. Physical assault or battering is a crime, whether it occurs inside or outside of the family. The police have the power and authority to protect you from physical attack.

Sexual abuse is a form of physical abuse

Any situation in which you are forced to participate in unwanted, unsafe, or degrading sexual activity is sexual abuse. Forced sex, even by a spouse or intimate partner with whom you also have consensual sex, is an act of aggression and violence. Furthermore, people whose partners abuse them physically and sexually are at a higher risk of being seriously injured or killed.

It Is Still Abuse If . . .

The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.

The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.

The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!

There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.

Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

Emotional abuse: It’s a bigger problem than you think

When people think of domestic abuse, they often picture battered women who have been physically assaulted. But not all abusive relationships involve violence. Just because you’re not battered and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many men and women suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimized or overlooked—even by the person being abused. Understanding emotional abuse

The aim of emotional abuse is to chip away at your feelings of self-worth and independence. If you’re the victim of emotional abuse, you may feel that there is no way out of the relationship or that without your abusive partner you have nothing.

Emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

You may think that physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse, since physical violence can send you to the hospital and leave you with scars. But, the scars of emotional abuse are very real, and they run deep. In fact, emotional abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse—sometimes even more so. Economic or financial abuse: A subtle form of emotional abuse

Remember, an abuser’s goal is to control you, and he or she will frequently use money to do so. Economic or financial abuse includes:

• Rigidly controlling your finances.
• Withholding money or credit cards.
• Making you account for every penny you spend.
• Withholding basic necessities (food, clothes, medications, shelter).
• Restricting you to an allowance.
• Preventing you from working or choosing your own career.
• Sabotaging your job (making you miss work, calling constantly).
• Stealing from you or taking your money.

Violent and abusive behavior is the abuser’s choice

Despite what many people believe, domestic violence and abuse is not due to the abuser’s loss of control over his or her behavior. In fact, abusive behavior and violence is a deliberate choice made by the abuser in order to control you.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their power:

Dominance – Abusive individuals need to feel in charge of the relationship. They will make decisions for you and the family, tell you what to do, and expect you to obey without question. Your abuser may treat you like a servant, child, or even as his or her possession.

Abusers use a variety of tactics to manipulate you and exert their powerHumiliation – An abuser will do everything he or she can to make you feel bad about yourself or defective in some way. After all, if you believe you're worthless and that no one else will want you, you're less likely to leave. Insults, name-calling, shaming, and public put-downs are all weapons of abuse designed to erode your self-esteem and make you feel powerless.

Isolation – In order to increase your dependence on him or her, an abusive partner will cut you off from the outside world. He or she may keep you from seeing family or friends, or even prevent you from going to work or school. You may have to ask permission to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone.

Threats – Abusers commonly use threats to keep their partners from leaving or to scare them into dropping charges. Your abuser may threaten to hurt or kill you, your children, other family members, or even pets. He or she may also threaten to commit suicide, file false charges against you, or report you to child services.

Intimidation – Your abuser may use a variety of intimidation tactics designed to scare you into submission. Such tactics include making threatening looks or gestures, smashing things in front of you, destroying property, hurting your pets, or putting weapons on display. The clear message is that if you don't obey, there will be violent consequences.

Denial and blame – Abusers are very good at making excuses for the inexcusable. They will blame their abusive and violent behavior on a bad childhood, a bad day, and even on the victims of their abuse. Your abusive partner may minimize the abuse or deny that it occurred. He or she will commonly shift the responsibility on to you: Somehow, his or her violent and abusive behavior is your fault.

Abusers are able to control their behavior—they do it all the time.

• Abusers pick and choose whom to abuse. They don’t insult, threaten, or assault everyone in their life who gives them grief. Usually, they save their abuse for the people closest to them, the ones they claim to love.
• Abusers carefully choose when and where to abuse. They control themselves until no one else is around to see their abusive behavior. They may act like everything is fine in public, but lash out instantly as soon as you’re alone.
• Abusers are able to stop their abusive behavior when it benefits them. Most abusers are not out of control. In fact, they’re able to immediately stop their abusive behavior when it’s to their advantage to do so (for example, when the police show up or their boss calls).
• Violent abusers usually direct their blows where they won’t show. Rather than acting out in a mindless rage, many physically violent abusers carefully aim their kicks and punches where the bruises and marks won’t show.

The cycle of violence in domestic abuse

Domestic abuse falls into a common pattern, or cycle of violence:

• Cycle of violenceAbuse – Your abusive partner lashes out with aggressive, belittling, or violent behavior. The abuse is a power play designed to show you "who is boss."
• Guilt – After abusing you, your partner feels guilt, but not over what he's done. He’s more worried about the possibility of being caught and facing consequences for his abusive behavior.
• Excuses – Your abuser rationalizes what he or she has done. The person may come up with a string of excuses or blame you for the abusive behavior—anything to avoid taking responsibility.
• "Normal" behavior — The abuser does everything he can to regain control and keep the victim in the relationship. He may act as if nothing has happened, or he may turn on the charm. This peaceful honeymoon phase may give the victim hope that the abuser has really changed this time.
• Fantasy and planning – Your abuser begins to fantasize about abusing you again. He spends a lot of time thinking about what you’ve done wrong and how he'll make you pay. Then he makes a plan for turning the fantasy of abuse into reality.
• Set-up – Your abuser sets you up and puts his plan in motion, creating a situation where he can justify abusing you.

Your abuser’s apologies and loving gestures in between the episodes of abuse can make it difficult to leave. He may make you believe that you are the only person who can help him, that things will be different this time, and that he truly loves you. However, the dangers of staying are very real.

The Full Cycle of Domestic Violence: An Example

A man abuses his partner. After he hits her, he experiences self-directed guilt. He says, "I'm sorry for hurting you." What he does not say is, "Because I might get caught." He then rationalizes his behavior by saying that his partner is having an affair with someone. He tells her "If you weren't such a worthless whore I wouldn't have to hit you." He then acts contrite, reassuring her that he will not hurt her again. He then fantasizes and reflects on past abuse and how he will hurt her again. He plans on telling her to go to the store to get some groceries. What he withholds from her is that she has a certain amount of time to do the shopping. When she is held up in traffic and is a few minutes late, he feels completely justified in assaulting her because "you're having an affair with the store clerk." He has just set her up.

Source: Mid-Valley Women's Crisis Service

Recognizing the warning signs of domestic violence and abuse

It's impossible to know with certainty what goes on behind closed doors, but there are some telltale signs and symptoms of emotional abuse and domestic violence. If you witness any warning signs of abuse in a friend, family member, or co-worker, take them very seriously. General warning signs of domestic abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Seem afraid or anxious to please their partner.
• Go along with everything their partner says and does.
• Check in often with their partner to report where they are and what they’re doing.
• Receive frequent, harassing phone calls from their partner.
• Talk about their partner’s temper, jealousy, or possessiveness.

Warning signs of physical violence

People who are being physically abused may:

• Have frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents.”
• Frequently miss work, school, or social occasions, without explanation.
• Dress in clothing designed to hide bruises or scars (e.g. wearing long sleeves in the summer or sunglasses indoors).

Warning signs of isolation

People who are being isolated by their abuser may:

• Be restricted from seeing family and friends.
• Rarely go out in public without their partner.
• Have limited access to money, credit cards, or the car.

The psychological warning signs of abuse

People who are being abused may:

• Have very low self-esteem, even if they used to be confident.
• Show major personality changes (e.g. an outgoing person becomes withdrawn).
• Be depressed, anxious, or suicidal.

Speak up if you suspect domestic violence or abuse

If you suspect that someone you know is being abused, speak up! If you’re hesitating—telling yourself that it’s none of your business, you might be wrong, or the person might not want to talk about it—keep in mind that expressing your concern will let the person know that you care and may even save his or her life.

Do's and Don'ts

Do:

• Ask if something is wrong.
• Express concern.
• Listen and validate.
• Offer help.
• Support his or her decisions.

Don’t:

• Wait for him or her to come to you.
• Judge or blame.
• Pressure him or her.
• Give advice.
• Place conditions on your support.

Adapted from: NYS Office for the Prevention of Domestic Violence

Talk to the person in private and let him or her know that you’re concerned. Point out the things you’ve noticed that make you worried. Tell the person that you’re there, whenever he or she feels ready to talk. Reassure the person that you’ll keep whatever is said between the two of you, and let him or her know that you’ll help in any way you can.

Remember, abusers are very good at controlling and manipulating their victims. People who have been emotionally abused or battered are depressed, drained, scared, ashamed, and confused. They need help to get out, yet they’ve often been isolated from their family and friends. By picking up on the warning signs and offering support, you can help them escape an abusive situation and begin healing.

Getting help for domestic violence or abuse

In an emergency:

Call 911 or your country’s emergency service number if you need immediate assistance or have already been hurt.

For a safe place to stay:

In the US: visit Womenslaw.org for a state-by-state directory of domestic violence shelters. Worldwide: visit International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies for a global list of shelters.